Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa (part ten)

So. Nazi lady shot Edward, who limply slumped forward and tumbled into the pit because of the bullet grazing his arm. Amazing. Great moment to pick this up from.

Losing consciousness when you run out of hit points regardless of the source of the final injury isn't the only game mechanic that the isekai gods have saddled Edward with though; he's also been able to keep his "immune to fall damage" combat alchemist class feature that had the (ex) instead of (su) tag by it and so by RAW doesn't stop working in a world that lacks alchemy. Hey, sometimes these things actually work out in your favor! Anyway, he wakes up being doted over by Earthphonse, who explains the stupid thing that just happened. As he speaks, Ekhart is herding another small army of armored dudes into the belly of the rocket plane. Apparently it's a rocket troop-transport plane.

Also, those are clearly the same suits of armor that got sent through the portal last time too, because some of them are all twisted and faceless and lumpy. I guess they didn't have that many suits. Do they have that many *people,* though? Were those actually living soldiers to begin with, before their first time being sent through the portal? Are they living soldiers now? Are they the same people/zombies/robots as the last bunch who have been reanimated, or different ones? Really, really not clear.

As they march into the aircraft, Haushofer tells Ekhart that he doesn't think the world they're about to invade is actually Shamballa. Ekhart tells him that she's aware of that, but that's fine, they still have cool shit to take. Then she shoots him in the foot for being annoying.

Back across the hangar to the not-really-brothers. Earthphonse explains that a vehicle moving at sufficient velocity can bring a human body through the gate in less time than it takes for the interdimensional stresses to start fucking up your body and/or soul. Erm...how could they have possibly calculated that? Have they been doing repeated human testing in the weeks since their first attempt? Wait, no, that couldn't be, because they contacted Earthphonse and his team and had them start working on the rocket-plane before they had the initial mishap. Okay, yeah, I got nothing. The Thulites are loading their mystery army into the plane, and Ekhart and Co are all too busy excitedly prepping everything and shooting each other's feet to pay attention to what's going on off to the side. Which is how Earthphonse was able to drag Edward's unconscious body into the pilot's seat of one of the Thule Society's little biplanes that they attached a small rocket engine to the back of as proof of concept which happened to be parked nearby and strap him in before helping him wake up. And....oh god this is fucking stupid holy shit...apparently, a NORMAL-ASS 1920'S AIRPLANE WITH A ROCKET WELDED TO THE BACK is already fast enough to get someone through the portal safely, they just needed the big custom plane in order to have a strong enough engine to bring a whole platoon of heavy infantry through at that speed.

...

Why do they think they need a platoon of heavy infantry, specifically?

How do they know that one or two people wouldn't be enough to get what they're after?

How do they know they wouldn't need an even bigger rocket, to carry tanks and artillery?

Why wouldn't they try flying normal rocket-boosted planes through first to do some scouting, if it's that fucking easy?

Ekhart's implied that she thinks at least some "Shamballans" might be sympathetic to the nazi cause. If she believes that, why not send herself or another Thule Society bigwig through first to attempt dialogue?

Why is this extremely specific rocket plane of this extremely specific size their first plan, which they were apparently working on even before attempting the normal ground-based invasion in Liore?

The answer is that they needed the rocket plane so that Earthphonse and Co would have something to work with them on, and now it's turning out that they never actually needed the rocket plane so that we can send Edward home. Nevermind the fact that these same writers are the ones who decided, out of nowhere, that Earthphone was going to be a rocket guy specifically. This movie didn't need to have rockets. No one else forced them to work in this combination of elements.

What we're looking at is the result of putting way too much work into setting up an overcomplicated story, and then being incredibly lazy in actually resolving it.

...

Edward asks Earthphonse if he's trying to send him back home now in order to "get him out of the way." LMAO if that's all he wanted to do he'd have let your dumb ass die when Hess or whoever found you laying there unconscious on the hangar floor. Earthphonse tells him that...um...this world is real, and not just a dream that Edward is having, and this is supposed to prove that...somehow? Even though he's dying, Earthphonse says, this act of his will...um...it um. Well, he closes the cockpit canopy and sends Edward off.

Because abruptly changing his mind about everything and going out of his way to risk the little life he has left to help Edward is proof that he's an autonomous human being and not a figment in a dream. That's something a human would do and a character Edward is imagining wouldn't do.

Or maybe he means that his act in helping Edward get home will give Edward proof that there was someone on the other side who helped him. Except...if Edward ends up deciding that this entire other world was a hallucination, then that wouldn't mean...well, I guess he'd have the plane itself as proof? Maybe?

I'm putting too much work into this. Earthphonse's existential angst is something that's recieved barely any exploration or screentime. Even if this made any sense whatsoever as a resolution to that arc, there still wouldn't be enough of an arc for me to even pretend to care about it.

Alphonse preps the plane for launch. Edward begs for him to wait, but Alphonse ignores him and ignites the engine with him inside. Because, once again, one of this movie's most consistent elements is that every version of Alphonse Elric in every parallel dimension is a raging douchebag. Edward flies up to the portal. Hess sees what's going on, tries to shoot out the plane, and when that doesn't work satisfies himself with shooting Earthphonse.

Earthphonse collapses with a smile on his face, dying with contentment and serenity. Because he resolved his rage and anxiety by doing the thing he just did. Apparently.

As Edward's plane brings him up into the glyph-portal, he locks eyes with Noah as she picks herself up from the spot on the balcony that Ekhart punched her onto. She begs him to take her with him, and screams in anguish when the plane shoots past too quickly for him to even react.

Why was Noah in this movie, again?

If the problem with the portal last time was that the people were spending too much time in transit, why did they need Noah to make it work this time?

If the problem last time was that they didn't have the spell right and needed Noah to steal the alchemical knowledge from Edward's brain, why did they need the rocket?

In both cases, was there also another problem in needing someone from the other side to open the portal concurrently? If not, why did they need Alphonse in the undercity?

Did they have two problems that needed solving? How did they know that there were two separate problems. Or were there three problems, with Noah, the plane, and Alphonse all solving different ones?

Either Noah was completely unnecessary to the plot, or the rocket plane was completely unnecessary to the plot. I'll be equitable and say that they were both unnecessary, on account of the plot itself being unnecessary for Fullmetal Alchemist.

Anyway, another dumb annoying character with much less to her than it initially seemed gets left behind. Whatever. Edward flies through the portal. The stupid transport plane flies through just a few seconds after him. For some reason, the nazi plane and its occupants are getting clawed at by Wog tentacles, but Edward and his plane are not.

Maybe Snoop Woggy Wog gave Edward special permission or whatever. I don't know the circumstances that got him sent to Earth in the first place, so maybe there was a pact or something involved.

In the big plane's cockpit, Ekhart cackles maniacally even as the tentacles claw at her. The movie seems to have suddenly remembered that this lady is the BBEG in the last, like, five minutes. Up until that point, she mostly just stood around making starry-eyed speeches about the glories awaiting them in Shamballa while Haushofer did all the technical stuff and Hess did all the evil stuff. She was basically decoration for the first 4/5ths of the movie. Now she's working overtime to get a supervillain bingo, casually maiming her underlings when they annoy her, shooting Edward, punching Noah, cackling maniacally as she leads her troops through the gate, etc.

On the Amestrian side of the portal, Central is rocked by another earthquake, even worse than the previous one. It seems like the city might be getting outright destroyed, the way things are going. In the command center, Hawkeye and her coworkers have to avoid falling rubble as the building collapses. Winry and Sheska fall screaming into an abyss that opens under them while they were on their way down the secret Utena staircase (or...not? It looked like they were just hanging out in an office now, lol). Down in the undercity, at the epicenter of the tremors, Alphonse keeps on maintaining the spell effect that he initiated by sacrificing the two Sins. The tremors are going on all around him.

He HAS to realize the effect this must be having on the city above, after the last incident. But, well, this movie has its own idea about Alphonse's character, and it's committed to it.

The planes fly through the portal, the larger one badly warped and corroded by exposure to the warp. Edward's isn't. For some reason. Inside the cockpit of the nazimobile, Ekhart - who still has black wog shit caked all over her, which is funny - suddenly sees a pair of glyphs materialize on the palms of her hands. She's a spontaneous caster now.

So um. Did everyone on that plane become a spontaneous caster?

Or was she the only human onboard? Those armored things AREN'T living human soldiers, right? If they are, and they can all spontcast now, then this might actually be somewhat challenging for the Amestrians to deal with. Assuming Ekhart is smart enough to take her time and give herself and her troops some practice with their new powers, of course. Then again...I dunno, they've got ZERO practical experience to start with. Even Ekhart will be lucky if she gets any of her flawed Earth understanding of alchemy to have the desired effects, at first.

Yeah, come to think of it, there's still no way this is a serious threat. Period.

Sheska and Winry fall from the cave ceiling hundreds of feet overhead and land on the flat stone street, unharmed. I'm starting to think falls just don't hurt people in this multiverse. They watch the mysterious flying machines smoke and tumble through the upper section of the massive cave for a moment, trying to decide what to make of them, until Alphonse finds his way over to them. He tells them that he has no idea who's aboard those vehicles, but that the technology does match what he's seen from the world on the other side of the gate. Neither of them have any idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean, of course. Then Edward's plane crashes right next to them.

Heartfelt reunion. Big hug from Winry. Alphonse...just exchanges a smile and a "welcome back" with him. Um. Okay. Heartfelt reunion with SOME people, but not all of them, I guess.

...okay, Edward looks like he's injured. It's just automail damage, as it turns out, but still. Alphonse's failure to even WALK UP TO WHERE EDWARD IS CROUCHING while Winry is doing so feels um. Weird. I gueeeeess they did have a partial reunion just a few days ago when Alphonse somehow remote-operated that armorsuit in Germany and they escaped Castle Wolfenstein together, but still. Having Edward back on their homeworld, and seeing him with his own eyes. No more reaction? No more concern?

Why does this movie think Alphonse is such a prick?

As Winry inspects the automail damage, Edward gives them all a quick rundown on the situation. Belligerent sect from another world, here to do a smash-and-grab of Amestrian weapons and mystical knowledge to use in a war back home. Alphonse stares at the plane like he's having some kind of crisis of conscience. Really, Alphonse? You're worried about this one plane full of underequipped dumbfucks, but not about the earthquake you just helped trigger under a densely populated major city? Granted, the earthquake might have happened anyway (it did the first time, without anyone Amestris-side participating), but still.

Ekhart flies her half-melted plane up through one of the fissures that just opened overhead. Alphonse goes running (or maybe lifting himself with earthbending? I don't think he could run up that many stairs quickly enough to make a difference lol. maybe there's an elevator idk) after it. Winry starts tending to Edward's automail; she apparently has been carrying a case containing a fresh arm and leg with her wherever she goes for this entire time, just in case Edward appears again. She even thought to adjust the size to match however much she expected him to have grown by now...even though Alphonse did NOT grow when his body was gone, and Winry had no reason to think Edward's case would be any different. Because fuck you that's why.

Meanwhile, the nazimobile makes it to the surface. Either there was a fortuitous aftershock that widened the furrow for them just as they were approaching it, or Ekhart manages to actually transmute some rock out of their way at the last moment despite her inexperience. Anyway, what's left of their rocket plane rises into the sky over the earthquake-racked Central.

The first thing she does is start dropping her soldiers or zombies or golems or whatever those armored things are onto the streets. As we've established, the parachute was never invented in either of these worlds for lack of need. The armored things shamble down the streets of Central in loose formation, weapons in hand, and...randomly shoot into the crowd of fleeing civilians.

Those masses of melted wog-shit on their armor have creepily humanlike shapes. Did some of the drones/soldiers/whatever get disintegrated and their remains fused to the armor of the lucky survivors?

Um.

Was THIS really Ekhart's plan?

Just make a dumb, ineffective suicide attack against the first thing she sees for the lolz?

Have they been brain-damaged by those wog tentacles? Is something getting mixed up?

If this was actually her plan all along, what was she hoping to accomplish with it?

Well. Whatever's under those armor suits, it apparently has blood, and it goes down when you score a headshot through the visor. Hawkeye learns this along with us as she and some other troops take up cordoning positions and start engaging the invaders. Then Armstrong shows up, and...it goes exactly how you'd expect. He just effortlessly crushes them with earth and metal-based transmutations as soon as they enter his line of sight.

No, seriously, that's it. They've got no answer to this. There's no surprise twist. This invasion is exactly as little of a threat to Amestris as it seemed like it should be.

Then, just to make things even more of a ridiculous curbstomp, Mustang shows up and starts slagging all the attackers that Armstrong hasn't flattened. And frankly, it seems like the normal troops were already coming out ontop even before EITHER alchemist got involved.

Which, okay, sure. I'd be fine with the stupid nazis getting themselves anticlimactically killed in the background while the brothers solve the more serious problem of closing or stabilizing the portal to ensure no more earthquakes. Except that the movie is spending a lot of time on this, and framing it in a way like it expects me to care. Even though the only stakes are "will Ekhart's brain-damaged mooks kill closer to 100 or closer to 300 unnamed Amestrian civilians before getting wiped out?" So um. Yeah.

Anyway, Mustang's return has him giving orders and rallying the defenses, even though his previous scene had him acknowledge that he is now outranked by all the other named characters present. They good-naturedly rib him about this and accept his leadership despite him no longer outranking them. I guess this completes Mustang's arc in this version or something.

It sort of echoes part of his arc in Mangahood, but only sort of. Then again, I imagine that whatever Mustang's MAIN character arc was in this series, he already at least mostly resolved it within the episodes themselves, so...idk, whatever, I don't care that much.

With the enemy aerotroopers exterminated (no attempts at taking prisoners? Eh, well, Amestrian ground war doctrine, go figure), the problem of the airplane remains. Ekhart is still flying around transmuting new machine gun ports in the sides of her rocketplane and shooting random buildings with them, and it's annoying, so someone should make her stop. And, this part actually IS sort of a problem for them, since this world's lack of aircraft means that it also lacks real antiaircraft guns, and not many alchemists can hit something that moves that fast from that far away. I guess she'll run out of fuel eventually, but until then she's going to keep being annoying and also maybe hurt someone. So, they start preparing a balloon - the best thing Amestris has when it comes to extending one's reach upward - to try and get an alchemist close enough to down Ekhart. Historically, battle-blimps became obsolete almost as soon as fighter planes became commonplace, but having an alchemist aboard the balloon who can reactively raise anti-bullet barriers might change the equation.

Back down in the underground city, Edward, Winry, and Sheska just have a nice relaxed conversation while Edward gets his new limbs.

The final 15-odd minutes of this movie are, um. A thing. They're going to need a fresh post. Hopefully not two fresh posts, but we'll see.

Anyway, that's it for right now.