Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa (part seven)

As Edward has his phone call with the person who the movie expects me to believe is Fritz Lang, Winry over in Amestris gets a call of her own from Mustang. He's looking for Alphonse, but unfortunately he just missed him. Winry tells him that Alphonse just left Resembool this morning, accompanied by Wrath. Okay, so that girl is in fact 03Wrath like I thought. I guess she ended up joining the good guys by the end of the series, kinda like mangahood Greed. Anyway, Winry thinks they went to Central.

Urm. She "thinks" they went to Central? Did Alphonse seriously just leave without telling her where they were going? Did she not think to ask?

Maybe she doesn't trust Mustang, and is giving him false information? That's my best guess, based on what I'm seeing.

Mustang says that he suspected they might be headed that way. The two main earthquake zones were at Liore and Central, and Alphonse witnessed one of those firsthand, so he might want to go have a look at the other effected site and see if he can learn more. Makes sense. Couldn't we have just had Alphonse say this himself in the last scene, and skipped this pointless phone conversation between two other people talking *about* him?

The call ends. Jump ahead a little bit to Winry deciding to go to Central after Alphonse, because she doesn't want him to search for Edward by himself.

Erm...why didn't she leave with him in the first place? It's not like Mustang told her anything she didn't already know; he was the one trying to get information out of her, not the reverse.

I guess he did mention that there was another big earthquake in Central at the same time as the one in Liore, but like...how could that have not made the news? Amestris has radio. And even if it didn't, Central is less than a day from Resembool by train, so they'd still have gotten the news by now. Yeah, no, it isn't that either.

I guess Winry was about to go blindly chasing after Alphonse in the direction she hopes he'd gone in anyway, and the Mustang call was totally pointless? Sure, we'll go with that for now. It fits the vibe of this movie.

Cut to Berlin. Edward has found Ufa, and is semi-ironically admiring some animatronic dinosaurs that Lang has set up for his current movie project.

Apparently, he's improved his prop design a little bit just from the glimpses (and photos? maybe?) he got of Envy a couple days ago, so that trip wasn't a total waste. He doesn't comment on whether or not it was worth getting rifle-butted unconscious by a nazi, but the implication is that it was.

From what I know of Lang, this much is actually in character. The man was a fanatic when it came to what he'd sacrifice for his art, and expected everyone working for him to be the same way. To the point where he actually physically assaulted people before shoving them onset to make them look more realistically frazzled and hobbled. He was...not a very nice person, by most accounts.

That said, he also wasn't a nazi. Which, along with his Jewishness, means that I'm still looking side-eyed at the movie's decision to make him the Earth equivalent of Homunculus Hitler.

...

Seriously, why not just make Actual Hitler the Earth equivalent of Homunculus Hitler? It's not like they were afraid to bring the man himself into this story, since he's been namedropped during the Thule Society meeting scenes. And it certainly isn't like Hitler looks any less like King Bradley than fucking Fritz Lang lmao.

...

Anyway, Fritz introduces himself properly, and then he and Edward sit down to talk business after the random studio tour that he apparently gave him for some reason.

Or, rather, he and Edward meander around together for Fritz to tell him some random information about his plans for the future.

Um...okay?

In an extremely roundabout manner, Lang brings the conversation around to the subject of parallel universes. Apparently, the English novels he's been reading to improve his fluency before moving include some science fiction (or "scientific romance" as he calls it, as the term "science fiction" wouldn't be coined until later that decade), and the science fiction he's reading includes some early speculative multiverse theory stuff. Maybe there really are other versions of the universe, he muses aloud as they walk across the sets and costuming huts of die Nibelungen. Maybe ones like the world of the movie he's working on, in which there's magic instead of science, where dragons are as common as horses. Maybe instead of a director, that world's Fritz Lang is a criminal. Or a king. Or a woman.

Edward keeps his mouth shut, unwilling to confess that the truth is actually far, far stupider than that.

When Lang presses him on the subject, Edward says that these other worlds Lang is talking about exist only in the dreams of fantasists like himself. This just encourages Lang to pull the old Chuang-Tzu on Edward.

He still hasn't said or asked anything about Edward's investigations into Haushofer. And Edward hasn't asked him why he hasn't, despite being visibly uncomfortable with the conversation Lang's been ambushing him with thus far. Because what even is character writing, amirite?

After talking around any admissions of where Edward is from, or how the hell Lang is supposed to have gained his suspicions about where Edward is from, they finally make their way to the garden and start talking about the thing Lang allegedly invited him to the other side of Germany to discuss. A servant girl pours them tea. Edward stares at her, with an expression that's hard for me to interpret. Shock? Recognition? He keeps staring after her as she walks away, but it doesn't look like he's just checking her out.

Oh, wait, I think I've seen her face and hair in a screenshot or something. She's a version of the bad guy, Dante? Or one of Dante's other minions? I think? Something like that.

Anyway. Time to talk about Haushofer. Finally.

Lang describes a book of Haushofer's that he read, that seems to have been inspired in part by Haushofer's experiences of Japan and the clearer ethnonationalist tendencies the island nation had developed. Naturally, it's a book that completely misses the fact that Japan has distinct ethnic and religious divisions within itself, because of course. Anyway, Haushofer is all about the Greater Germany, with lebensraum for the Germanic peoples currently living in Austria, Poland, Holland, etc. Then, Lang continues, there's this whole thing with Shamballa.

...god that point took fucking forever to get to. Even after they sat down for the purpose of finally getting to it.

According to legend (or at least, according to proto-nazi interpretations of legend), whoever controls Shamballa is sure to rule the entire world. And, this is why the Thule Society has played such a strong role in promoting the National Socialist German Workers' Party.

Lang then shows Edward a photograph, featuring some men in labcoats holding a familiar-looking device.

Erm. Okay.

Putting this together with the whole rocket subplot, I guess the Thulites are planning to make a nuclear missile to conquer "Shamballa" with? Or...they want to steal Amestrian nuclear secrets to build a missile they can use on Earth?

...

It's telling that they had to include a prologue in this movie to establish Amestrian nuclear discoveries, instead of having done it in the actual series. Telling, and not of anything good. It means that this conclusion isn't something that the writers worked up to during the production of the series itself.

Now, on the bright side, that means that they did not, in fact, spend multiple years having "Edward goes to Germany" in mind and somehow failing at any point to realize what a fucking terrible idea it was.

On the dark side, though? It means that this isn't really the ending that the story was supposed to have. Even WITHIN THE CONTEXT of the kitbashed continuation that the first few arcs of the manga weren't supposed to have. This is a sequel to a version of Fullmetal Alchemist that they never actually made.

So, with that in mind: why does this movie exist?

...

Lang goes on to clarify that yes, this plot actually is as dumb as I feared it might be. His sources in the nazi-adjacent circles (which he has in large part via his soon-to-be-ex wife, who is herself a nazi sympathizer at the very least) tell him that there's a coup planned for November. The nazis aren't confident they can make it stick though, since the support of the German army isn't guaranteed. If they can get to Shamballa and steal the atomic bomb, though, that'll guarantee their victory.

Um. If you say so.

Edward declares that if that's what the Thule Society is trying to do, then their dimensional travel research must absolutely not be allowed to continue. Lang, however, doesn't seem all that concerned at the possibility of them succeeding.

Instead of worrying about that, Lang says, Edward should come work for him.

Um. Come work for him doing what, exactly? Does he want to build his own portal and steal the secrets of Amestrian cinematography or something?

An explanation isn't forthcoming. Instead, Lang just goes on a tangent about how his wife's goose-stepping friends have approached him with the offer of hiring him to make propaganda films for them, but that he refused them; he knows that they'll only forgive his Jewish heritage for exactly as long as they think they need him, and not a moment longer. What does this have to do with him wanting to hire Edward to do some kind of work for him, or with the Thule Society's plans, or with Edward's investigations into Haushofer? No idea. The conversation ends right there, with Edward telling Lang that he's delusional if he thinks he can just run to the United States and hide to be safe from a threat like this. Edward storms out. Lang sits there and sips his tea. I'd call it a mirror of some of the tea scenes with the actual King Klause Santa Smith, but I'm not sure if any of those had happened yet by the point of divergence. Also, those scenes were great, and this one is terrible.

...

Where do I start?

Well, to get a comparatively minor annoyance out of the way first: I don't think Fritz Lang has done a single thing in this entire movie so far that served any kind of comprehensible self-interest. His entire existence is just running into or seeking out Edward and manoeuvring him into being in the right place or knowing the right things to make the next part of the plot happen. In most of his screentime, he's not even doing that. Just expositing on random historical background that the writers want you to be proud of them for looking up.

I'm not going to call this character Fritz Lang anymore. In fact, I'm not even going to call him a character anymore. Henceforth, I will be referring to him exclusively as The Writers.

Now, for the main event...this atomic bomb plot. Oh BOY this atomic bomb plot.

1. It's bad enough that the movie had to retcon an atom bomb subplot into the timeframe of the preceding series instead of using material that was already there. What makes it even worse is that in that retconned sequence, we see Edward and Alphonse destroy the fucking bomb research. It was invented by a rogue genius in a castle in the middle of nowhere, who explicitly wasn't having much luck in getting the state to take him seriously. The genius got himself Woginated, his bomb prototype destroyed, and his castle collapsed into the sea with all his research and experiments in it.

Sure, it's possible that he'd already shared it with someone else in secret, or that other Amestrian scientists have since repeated his discovery. In that case, though, what even was the significance of his onscreen defeat? Why not just have the intro sequence show some Amestrian scientists discovering atomic fission and leave it at that? It feels like a retcon within a retcon.

2. They want to get their hands on the bomb for...the beer hall putzch.

Really? Really?

Now, I can think of at least one way that this could sort of make sense, maybe. If they're trying to convince the German military to back their coup by promising access to the bomb if it succeeds, I could see that. Certainly, the post-Versailles German officer corpse would be very interested in a weapon that could reverse their country's loss of military potency in one fell swoop. There's two problems with this, though. The first is that they wouldn't just need to GET the bomb in order to bring the officer corps onboard; they'd also need to demonstrate the bomb, and that's a tall fucking order for the timeframe we're looking at. The second is that, if this IS why they want the bomb, WHY DIDN'T THE MOVIE SAY SO? Frankly, the only reason I'm even giving it this much benefit of the doubt is because it's possible this got lost in translation.

Like, aside from that, how are they planning to use the bomb? Are they planning to hold the country hostage or something? Nuke Berlin and hope the army will be too scared to stand against them after that? Nukes are not the kind of weapon you overthrow a regime with, especially not the regime of a country that you yourself are living in.

What makes this even more galling is that...

3. WHY ISN'T THIS ABOUT ALCHEMY? This is so obvious, and it's such an elegant solution to the first two problems, that its absence makes the whole thing worse than the sum of its parts.

Alchemy doesn't need to be retconned into the story. It doesn't come out of nowhere to be this plot's McGuffin. Alchemy absolutely IS something you could use to overthrow a government and outfight its conventional forces.

Notably, it also ISN'T something that theoretical physicists on Earth at this time were already starting down the path of discovering (the characters might not know this, but the audience does). If the nazis of 1923 get their hands on an a-bomb, well, that would be really bad, but I don't think it would take that long for other countries to copy it. Radiological research was a burgeoning field at this time. It was only a step or two ahead of contemporary science. But fucking magic? Nobody else is going to be able to even BEGIN to copy or countermeasure that in the time they could for a nuclear bomb.

Heck, there's even a precedent established within the movie that the Thulites need creatures or materials from Amestris in order to get alchemy to work on Earth (ie, using Envy to outline the portal glyph). Just lean into that! They need to kidnap people (or maybe specifically homunculi. Wrath is a good guy now apparently, so putting her specifically in danger of abduction could be a good source of tension) from Amestris to experiment on so they can get combat-applicable alchemy to work on Earth. This franchise is called Fullmetal Alchemist. If you have to do this stupid isekai plot for some reason, then why not at least hang it on the story's actual goddamned premise? Why are the nazis opening a portal to Alchemy World to steal a weapon from it that ISN'T ALCHEMY?

And, oh, what's that? There's a substance in Amestris that allows alchemy to do things that it normally isn't able to do? Perhaps it would also enable it to work in places where it can't normally work? A substance whose acquisition was already a major, major plot thread of the series? Think maaaaaaybe that would have made a little more sense for the nazis to be after than a goddamned A-bomb?

Frankly, it isn't just a waste of the philosopher's stone concept, or just a waste of Fullmetal Alchemist as a work. It's also, to a lesser extent, a waste of the nazis. What's the most horrific thing the Third Reich is remembered for aside from the mass killings? Human vivisection. What would it make sense for the nazis to have to do to Amestrian captives in order to figure out how to make alchemy work? Oh, hey, look at that, it's a plot that leans into the historical evil of the nazis, instead of one that would fit any cartoon villain equally well!

...

Back to Munich. Officer Hughes and some of his pals have grabbed Noah (he either timed it so Alphonse wouldn't be around, or secured Alphonse's cooperation) and are marching her into a car and refusing to answer questions. Eventually, she's brought face to face with Hess again, who she of course recognizes. Unfortunately, she's being held a little too securely to wriggle free this time.

Hess says that they have an offer to make her. One that she evidently doesn't have any choice but to accept.

Cut to a nazi rally. Hitler is speaking. Showing him and his mustache makes me wonder all over again why they decided to be too clever for their own good and do the Fritz Lang thing.

Meh.

He starts giving one of his signature screaming, fist-waving speeches, but not before noticing Ekhart standing sullenly in the back of the room like a teenager who's been turned down by her crush. Lol. She just stands there watching him miserably from the back until the rally is over, and then sulks out to her car and lets another Thulite try to cheer her up. She's depressed because she just got the news that Hitler-sempai has given up on expecting the Thule Society to come through, and instead is relying on the dumb stupid jerkface stormtrooper brownshirt militia assholes.

She NEEDS Hitler-sempai to notice her. They will open the gate again on the day of the coup. It's the only option.

I don't know how that's going to help them take over the German government, but okay.

They've recaptured Noah, so they *should* be able to do the thing properly now. How do they know that Noah has what the...oh forget it.

...

Also, it's kinda hilarious that Ekhart is the one Thule Society higher-up who isn't from real life history. Just making it so obvious that she's going to get herself killed or sucked into Wogdat's anus forever or something before the history books ever get a chance to acknowledge her.

Or maybe she just gets turned into a man and prematurely aged a few decades, becoming the similarly named Deitrich Ekart who I initially thought she was going to be. That would fill in the blanks more completely, I guess. She's already rocking the boat by being a woman in control of a branch of the mega-patriarchal German fascist movement, so I guess she might as well go in for a pound and come out as a transman now. She can be one of the good ones, by virtue of having a nuke.

But seriously, she's totally going to get herself deleted from the timestream.

...

We briefly see Earth!Alphonse and his fellow researchers tinkering on the rocket at the castle again. Earth!Alphonse is now full-on giving revanchist speeches about making the world respect Germany again and drawing Pepe the frog on random objects. I guess he and the rest of the team have been made aware of what this project is for, and they've been convinced to be okay with it. That was fast lol.

Cut to the apartment, where Edward is talking to Noah. Um...I guess they *didn't* kidnap her, then? I guess? Either that, or Envy escaped and got their shapeshifting back. I'm confused about so many different things at this point. Anyway, Earth!Alphonse comes home, and Edward tries to warn him away from his team's new patrons.

Earth!Alphonse brushes him off. He's full nazi now.


Cutting it here.

It seemed to have some real promise at the beginning, but this movie is just bad.