“Sweet Ermengarde”

Thinking about it more, if I were to try and salvage "Beyond the Wall of Sleep" I think I'd turn the intern into the head doctor, but keep his personality and attitude, and have him be the antagonist. Mad scientist keeping Slater imprisoned so he can study MIKE, possibly for more sinister reasons than just amoral curiosity.

Anyway, next story.



Sweet Ermengarde

This one was written during Lovecraft's early Vagrant/United Amateur period, but it was never published until after his death when his work started to attract academic interest. Since this story is supposed to be a send-up of the cheesy romances that Lovecraft hated, I suspect that he never intended it to be published, and only wrote it to snicker at with his friends. This is an exception to my plan to read Lovecraft's work in publication order, but this was requested, and it might make a nice change of pace between two notoriously bad stories.

So, let's snicker at it.

“Ermengarde Stubbs was the beauteous blonde daughter of Hiram Stubbs, a poor but honest farmer-bootlegger of Hogton, Vt. Her name was originally Ethyl Ermengarde, but her father persuaded her to drop the praenomen after the passage of the 18th Amendment, averring that it made him thirsty by reminding him of ethyl alcohol, C2​H5​OH. His own products contained mostly methyl or wood alcohol, CH3​OH. Ermengarde confessed to sixteen summers, and branded as mendacious all reports to the effect that she was thirty. She had large black eyes, a prominent Roman nose, light hair which was never dark at the roots except when the local drug store was short on supplies, and a beautiful but inexpensive complexion. She was about 5ft​ 5.33...in​ tall, weighed 115.47 lbs. on her father’s copy scales—also off them—and was adjudged most lovely by all the village swains who admired her father’s farm and liked his liquid crops.”

The ethyl alcohol joke seemed like it was trying too hard to be snarky, and overshooting it.

The rest...I dunno. Its horribly, horribly written in a different and much worse way than Lovecraft's usual purple prose, but without having read any World War One era magazine romances myself I can't tell how good a job it does at mocking their prose.

“The ethyl alcohol joke seemed like it was trying too hard to be snarky, and overshooting it.

The rest...I dunno. Its horribly, horribly written in a different and much worse way than Lovecraft’s usual purple prose, but without having read any World War One era magazine romances myself I can’t tell how good a job it does at mocking their prose.”

Rich and "darkly handsome" asshole with a riding crop? I'll bet he makes her inner goddess dance for joy. 

“Long had he sought the radiant Ermengarde, and now his ardour was fanned to fever heat by a secret known to him alone—for upon the humble acres of Farmer Stubbs he had discovered a vein of rich GOLD!! “Aha!” said he, “I will win the maiden ere her parent knows of his unsuspected wealth, and join to my fortune a greater fortune still!” And so he began to call twice a week instead of once as before.”

Wonder how he learned about that. And who he was talking to.

“But alas for the sinister designs of a villain—’Squire Hardman was not the only suitor for the fair one. Close by the village dwelt another—the handsome Jack Manly, whose curly yellow hair had won the sweet Ermengarde’s affection when both were toddling youngsters at the village school.”

…

“handsome Jack Manly”

“handsome Jack”

This story just got a lot more interesting, didn't it?

“Jack had long been too bashful to declare his passion, but one day while strolling along a shady lane by the old mill with Ermengarde, he had found courage to utter that which was within his heart.

“O light of my life,” said he, “my soul is so overburdened that I must speak! Ermengarde, my ideal [he pronounced it i-deel!], life has become an empty thing without you. Beloved of my spirit, behold a suppliant kneeling in the dust before thee. Ermengarde—oh, Ermengarde, raise me to an heaven of joy and say that you will some day be mine! It is true that I am poor, but have I not youth and strength to fight my way to fame? This I can do only for you, dear Ethyl—pardon me, Ermengarde—my only, my most precious—””

I issue a challenge to my readers: try to read that in Handsome Jack's voice. I will be extremely impressed if you succeed.

And...how is "ideal" supposed to be pronounced? I've been saying it the same way Jack does all my life. 

“but here he paused to wipe his eyes and mop his brow, and the fair responded:

“Jack—my angel—at last—I mean, this is so unexpected and quite unprecedented! I had never dreamed that you entertained sentiments of affection in connexion with one so lowly as Farmer Stubbs’ child—for I am still but a child! Such is your natural nobility that I had feared—I mean thought—you would be blind to such slight charms as I possess, and that you would seek your fortune in the great city; there meeting and wedding one of those more comely damsels whose splendour we observe in fashion books.

“But, Jack, since it is really I whom you adore, let us waive all needless circumlocution. Jack—my darling—my heart has long been susceptible to your manly graces. I cherish an affection for thee—consider me thine own and be sure to buy the ring at Perkins’ hardware store where they have such nice imitation diamonds in the window.””

Handsome Jack's parentage and social class were never established, but apparently he's her superior. This may be another jab at contemporary romance cliches; maybe the hero is always just assumed to be rich and educated or something.

Of course, as we saw last story, Lovecraft himself had his own...um...peculiarities when it came to social class, so maybe people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Imitation diamonds is another one of those "trying too hard to be snarky" lines, in my opinion.

““Ermengarde, me love!”

“Jack—my precious!”

“My darling!”

“My own!”

“My Gawd!””

Sadly, young adult romance has yet to evolve past this kind of dialogue.

Interestingly, there are some rustic verbal tics in Handsome Jack's speech ("me love," "Gawd," etc) that Ermengarde's lacks. This contradicts his being of a higher social class; if she's the poor farmer's daughter and he's more worldly, shouldn't she be the one with the country mannerisms? Once again, I feel like there's an idiosyncrasy being mocked that I'd have to have read these romances to get.

“Chapter II.
And the Villain Still Pursued Her”

Now now, "villain" is a strong word. Its not like Christian Gray's motives are purely cynical, as he called her once a week even before the gold gave him an added incentive. And, the guy carries a riding crop around, so that should be fun unless you're one of those perverts who likes just plain boring sex without anyone being tied up or spanked.

“But these tender passages, sacred though their fervour, did not pass unobserved by profane eyes; for crouched in the bushes and gritting his teeth was the dastardly ’Squire Hardman! When the lovers had finally strolled away he leapt out into the lane, viciously twirling his moustache and riding-crop, and kicking an unquestionably innocent cat who was also out strolling.”

Anyway, he seems to have forgotten about his love for Ermengarde and is just interesting in the gold mine now. Also, I love how he just happened to be there eavesdropping.

““Curses!” he cried—Hardman, not the cat—“I am foiled in my plot to get the farm and the girl! But Jack Manly shall never succeed! I am a man of power—and we shall see!”

Thereupon he repaired to the humble Stubbs’ cottage, where he found the fond father in the still-cellar washing bottles under the supervision of the gentle wife and mother, Hannah Stubbs. Coming directly to the point, the villain spoke:

“Farmer Stubbs, I cherish a tender affection of long standing for your lovely offspring, Ethyl Ermengarde. I am consumed with love, and wish her hand in matrimony. Always a man of few words, I will not descend to euphemism. Give me the girl or I will foreclose the mortgage and take the old home!””

Okay, that? That was funny. Lovecraft gets full credit this time. I actually wish he'd use that kind of snappy dialogue in his non-comedy stories occasionally.

There's also a plothole here that I'm fairly sure was intentional. If Gray can take back their farm at any time, he doesn't need to marry Ermengarde to get the gold; he can just do that and access it much sooner.

““But, Sir,” pleaded the distracted Stubbs while his stricken spouse merely glowered, “I am sure the child’s affections are elsewhere placed.”

“She must be mine!” sternly snapped the sinister ’squire. “I will make her love me—none shall resist my will! Either she becomes muh wife or the old homestead goes!”

And with a sneer and flick of his riding-crop ’Squire Hardman strode out into the night.”

"Muh wife." I guess that predates 4chan. Who knew?

“Scarce had he departed, when there entered by the back door”

Bow chika wow wow.

“the radiant lovers, eager to tell the senior Stubbses of their new-found happiness. Imagine the universal consternation which reigned when all was known! Tears flowed like white ale, till suddenly Jack remembered he was the hero and raised his head, declaiming in appropriately virile accents:”

"Jack remembered he was the hero"

I swear this isn't just me. The Borderlands jokes are literally telling themselves.

““Never shall the fair Ermengarde be offered up to this beast as a sacrifice while I live! I shall protect her—she is mine, mine, mine—and then some! Fear not, dear father and mother to be—I will defend you all! You shall have the old home still [adverb, not noun—although Jack was by no means out of sympathy with Stubbs’ kind of farm produce] and I shall lead to the altar the beauteous Ermengarde, loveliest of her sex! To perdition with the crool ’squire and his ill-gotten gold—the right shall always win, and a hero is always in the right! I will go to the great city and there make a fortune to save you all ere the mortgage fall due! Farewell, my love—I leave you now in tears, but I shall return to pay off the mortgage and claim you as my bride!””

Lovecraft can't go a story without mentioning human sacrifice and unnamed "great cities" can he? Come to think of it, an actual young adult romance that featured those things as ambient setting elements could be a nice change of pace. Maybe a nice boy and girl struggling against all odds to be together in an idyllic fishing village outside the walls of Carthage?

Jack is not coming off any better than Christian with that whole "mine mine mine" speech. Definitely intentional. I assume the "ill gotten gold" is referring to Christian's existing wealth and not the gold vein that no one else knows about for some reason.

Also, "the right shall always win, and a hero is always in the right!" I'm seriously starting to wonder if Anthony Burch read this story.

““Jack, my protector!”

”Ermie, my sweet roll!”

“Dearest!”

“Darling!—and don’t forget that ring at Perkins’.”

“Oh!”

“Ah!””

He's going to end every chapter like this, isn't he.

“Chapter III.
A Dastardly Act

But the resourceful ’Squire Hardman was not so easily to be foiled. Close by the village lay a disreputable settlement of unkempt shacks, populated by a shiftless scum who lived by thieving and other odd jobs. Here the devilish villain secured two accomplices—ill-favoured fellows who were very clearly no gentlemen.”

Were they temporary patriarchs of the Slater household? Glass houses, Lovecraft. Glass houses.

“And in the night the evil three broke into the Stubbs cottage and abducted the fair Ermengarde, taking her to a wretched hovel in the settlement and placing her under the charge of Mother Maria, a hideous old hag. Farmer Stubbs was quite distracted, and would have advertised in the papers if the cost had been less than a cent a word for each insertion. Ermengarde was firm, and never wavered in her refusal to wed the villain.”

"Mother Maria." I'm guessing that then, as now, the darker characters in bad romance stories had ludicrously biblical names. A friend of mine told me that she encountered a romance novel where the sinister male lead was named, no joke, "Gideon Cross." Maybe Lovecraft didn't go far enough to make the satire more ridiculous than the real thing.

Father Stubbs must either be a piss-poor farmer, or they're having a drought or something, if he can't afford a one-sentence missing poster. Maybe the gold is poisoning his crops.

““Aha, my proud beauty,” quoth he, “I have ye in me power, and sooner or later I will break that will of thine! Meanwhile think of your poor old father and mother as turned out of hearth and home and wandering helpless through the meadows!”

“Oh, spare them, spare them!” said the maiden.

“Neverr . . . ha ha ha ha!” leered the brute.

And so the cruel days sped on, while all in ignorance young Jack Manly was seeking fame and fortune in the great city.”

The village must be far away if it takes that long for letters to get back and forth, though I guess its possible one or both of them are illiterate. Whatever the reason may be, Handsome Jack is dutifully sweeping the floors in the temple of Moloch and unloading cedars of Lebanon off of ships to earn money.

End chapter. No sickening makeout session this time.

“Chapter IV.
Subtle Villainy

One day as ’Squire Hardman sat in the front parlour of his expensive and palatial home, indulging in his favourite pastime of gnashing his teeth and swishing his riding-crop, a great thought came to him; and he cursed aloud at the statue of Satan on the onyx mantelpiece.​”

I'm really growing to love this character.

““Fool that I am!” he cried. “Why did I ever waste all this trouble on the girl when I can get the farm by simply foreclosing? I never thought of that! I will let the girl go, take the farm, and be free to wed some fair city maid like the leading lady of that burlesque troupe which played last week at the Town Hall!”

And so he went down to the settlement, apologised to Ermengarde, let her go home, and went home himself to plot new crimes and invent new modes of villainy.”

slowclap.gif

The story is nowhere near over though, so I'm guessing they still need to prevent him from seizing the farm. My guess, based on that last twist, is that Ermengarde is going to run to the police and get him arrested for kidnapping. Plenty of shantytown witnesses, and at least a few of them must have not been busy getting possessed by star angels while it happened.

“The days wore on, and the Stubbses grew very sad over the coming loss of their home and still but nobody seemed able to do anything about it. One day a party of hunters from the city chanced to stray over the old farm, and one of them found the gold!! Hiding his discovery from his companions, he feigned rattlesnake-bite and went to the Stubbs’ cottage for aid of the usual kind. Ermengarde opened the door and saw him. He also saw her, and in that moment resolved to win her and the gold. “For my old mother’s sake I must”—he cried loudly to himself. “No sacrifice is too great!””

Hmm. Wonder where this is going, now.

If I had to hazard I guess, I suspect that Lovecraft is mashing the two most overused romance plots of the time into one story. "Snidely Whiplash wants the farm" and "handsome outdoorsman shows up, wounded, at the cottage door."
​

“Chapter V.The City Chap

Algernon Reginald Jones was a polished man of the world from the great city, and in his sophisticated hands our poor little Ermengarde was as a mere child. One could almost believe that sixteen-year-old stuff. Algy was a fast worker, but never crude. He could have taught Hardman a thing or two about finesse in sheiking. Thus only a week after his advent to the Stubbs family circle, where he lurked like the vile serpent that he was, he had persuaded the heroine to elope!​”

So the faking-snakebite hunter is from Carthage himself. It can't be that far away then, so I'm guessing letter writing wasn't an option for reasons of illiteracy.

And, holy crap, Handsome Jack has been away from home working his ass off for however long to save Ermengarde's family, and she agrees to run off with the very next attractive guy who shows up? This does not reflect well on her whatsoever.

“It was in the night that she went leaving a note for her parents, sniffing the familiar mash for the last time, and kissing the cat goodbye—touching stuff!”

Was that the same cat that Christian kicked after eavesdropping on them a few chapters ago? Poor kitty.

And, she's not even telling her parents about her decision. This is some seriously shady stuff. I'm guessing the "touching stuff" addition was to call attention to what a cretin Ermengarde is actually being here.

“On the train Algernon became sleepy and slumped down in his seat, allowing a paper to fall out of his pocket by accident. Ermengarde, taking advantage of her supposed position as a bride-elect, picked up the folded sheet and read its perfumed expanse—when lo! she almost fainted! It was a love letter from another woman!!

“Perfidious deceiver!” she whispered at the sleeping Algernon, “so this is all that your boasted fidelity amounts to! I am done with you for all eternity!”

So saying, she pushed him out the window and settled down for a much needed rest.”

Ermengarde...you may want to rethink your earlier decisions. You and Christian would be perfect for each other.
​

“Chapter VI.
Alone in the Great City

When the noisy train pulled into the dark station at the city, poor helpless Ermengarde was all alone without the money to get back to Hogton. “Oh why,” she sighed in innocent regret, “didn’t I take his pocketbook before I pushed him out? Oh well, I should worry! He told me all about the city so I can easily earn enough to get home if not to pay off the mortgage!”​”

This is turning into some David Firth shit.

“But alas for our little heroine—work is not easy for a greenhorn to secure, so for a week she was forced to sleep on park benches and obtain food from the bread-line. Once a wily and wicked person, perceiving her helplessness, offered her a position as dish-washer in a fashionable and depraved cabaret; but our heroine was true to her rustic ideals and refused to work in such a gilded and glittering palace of frivolity—especially since she was offered only $3.00 per week with meals but no board. She tried to look up Jack Manly, her one-time lover, but he was nowhere to be found. Perchance, too, he would not have known her; for in her poverty she had perforce become a brunette again, and Jack had not beheld her in that state since school days. One day she found a neat but costly purse in the park; and after seeing that there was not much in it, took it to the rich lady whose card proclaimed her ownership. Delighted beyond words at the honesty of this forlorn waif, the aristocratic Mrs. Van Itty adopted Ermengarde to replace the little one who had been stolen from her so many years ago. “How like my precious Maude,” she sighed, as she watched the fair brunette return to blondeness. And so several weeks passed, with the old folks at home tearing their hair and the wicked ’Squire Hardman chuckling devilishly.”

You know, I was joking before about how this story would need to have human sacrifice and eldritch ruins at some point, but now I'm not so sure. This seems like it might just keep up the nonchalant sociopathy while piling on more unsettling elements until Ermengarde really IS sacrificing people to elder gods and the story turns into a stealth Cthulhu Mythos tale.

And, lol, "Van Itty."

I would certainly laugh.
​

“Chapter VII.
Happy Ever Afterward

One day the wealthy heiress Ermengarde S. Van Itty hired a new second assistant chauffeur. Struck by something familiar in his face, she looked again and gasped. Lo! it was none other than the perfidious Algernon Reginald Jones, whom she had pushed from a car window on that fateful day! He had survived—this much was almost immediately evident. Also, he had wed the other woman, who had run away with the milkman and all the money in the house. Now wholly humbled, he asked forgiveness of our heroine, and confided to her the whole tale of the gold on her father’s farm. Moved beyond words, she raised his salary a dollar a month and resolved to gratify at last that always unquenchable anxiety to relieve the worry of the old folks. So one bright day Ermengarde motored back to Hogton and arrived at the farm just as ’Squire Hardman was foreclosing the mortgage and ordering the old folks out.​”

I love the protagonist-centric morality where he's the one who needs to apologize after that.

And, dear Moloch, they're lucky that foreclosure took so long. Is that normally a process that takes months or years?

““Stay, villain!” she cried, flashing a colossal roll of bills. “You are foiled at last! Here is your money—now go, and never darken our humble door again!”

Then followed a joyous reunion, whilst the ’squire twisted his moustache and riding-crop in bafflement and dismay. But hark! What is this? Footsteps sound on the old gravel walk, and who should appear but our hero, Jack Manly—worn and seedy, but radiant of face. Seeking at once the downcast villain, he said: “’Squire—lend me a ten-spot, will you? I have just come back from the city with my beauteous bride, the fair Bridget Goldstein, and need something to start things on the old farm.” Then turning to the Stubbses, he apologised for his inability to pay off the mortgage as agreed.

“Don’t mention it,” said Ermengarde, “prosperity has come to us, and I will consider it sufficient payment if you will forget forever the foolish fancies of our childhood.”
”

...

Well then.

All we need now is for Bridget to turn out to be Algernon's ex-wife, and for the milkman to have been Handsome Jack.

“All this time Mrs. Van Itty had been sitting in the motor waiting for Ermengarde; but as she lazily eyed the sharp-faced Hannah Stubbs a vague memory started from the back of her brain. Then it all came to her, and she shrieked accusingly at the agrestic matron.

“You—you—Hannah Smith—I know you now! Twenty-eight years ago you were my baby Maude’s nurse and stole her from the cradle!! Where, oh, where is my child?” Then a thought came as the lightning in a murky sky. “Ermengarde—you say she is your daughter. . . . She is mine! Fate has restored to me my old chee-ild—my tiny Maudie!—Ermengarde—Maude—come to your mother’s loving arms!!!””

...I want to say I was close, but...no, I really wasn't close at all.

Unforeshadowed changeling fantasy. Lovecraft is really going all in with this ending.

“But Ermengarde was doing some tall thinking. How could she get away with the sixteen-year-old stuff if she had been stolen twenty-eight years ago? And if she was not Stubbs’ daughter the gold would never be hers. Mrs. Van Itty was rich, but ’Squire Hardman was richer. So, approaching the dejected villain, she inflicted upon him the last terrible punishment.

“’Squire, dear,” she murmured, “I have reconsidered all. I love you and your naive strength. Marry me at once or I will have you prosecuted for that kidnapping last year. Foreclose your mortgage and enjoy with me the gold your cleverness discovered. Come, dear!” And the poor dub did.”

And, that's the end.

At least one of my predictions was right (threatening to go to the police). Poor Christian, looks like he'll never get to marry that burlesque dancer now.

Some of the attempts at snark were heavyhanded and unfunny, but overall I think I'd call this story a success. The last two or three chapters in particular remind me of some of my own thoughts about Purity Sue characters and how the world is written to revolve around them in a really creepy way. Its unfortunate that a lot of the problems Lovecraft was pointing out are still prolific in this genre today; I really wish I wasn't able to get as much of the satire as I did.


Anyway, the next story will be back to usual with "Dagon."